Summer Hours

Working through the guilt of the summer mental load.

Summer bucket lists. 1000 hours outside. Vacations. Summer hours. All come to top of mind when comparing what my kids will be doing for summer — ie. mostly summer camp (or some variety of it). After barely surviving the end of the school year and the mental gymnastics leading up to summer trying to engineer summer camp schedules — it’s just a lot. I get it

And you know what also really rubs me the wrong way? The videos claiming you only have “18 summers” with your children. It’s designed to make you feel guilty that you’re ‘wasting’ one of those limited summers if you have to work through it. What else are you supposed to do? You can’t just take the entire summer because you feel guilty it’s one of the last. So yea, that is complete BS. You don’t have only 18 summers with your kids. Of course this is purely anecdotal, but my parents worked full time (ish), and big shocker, I went to a lot of summer camps. I still spent my summers with them through college, grad school, and with my kids now. In fact, they now spending summers with my kids; honestly, my parents can’t even get rid of me.

I really think the important thing is that the time you spend with your children are intentional, and it doesn’t have to be 10 weeks straight of beach days, pool parties, and vacations. Try for 20 minutes of a post dinner summer stroll.

Today, I’m sharing our summer plans, how I manage my mom guilt of making it a “memorable summer”, and some suggestions for making your summer smoother.

Our Summer

In February, I started planning for our summer. At the time, I had 10 (!) weeks of summer to account for, and I wanted to provide a variety of options. Not surprisingly I had a table to figure out how to fit together all the puzzle pieces of summer camp because camps never line up magically, so piecing it together can take incredible engineering. No slight on my husband (who didn’t do any of the planning #mentalload), but the decision making on that alone made me want to scream into the abyss. The general choices are:

• One summer camp for the entire (or lengthy portion) of summer

• Weekly/Bi-Weekly Camp Sign Ups

• Full days versus half days versus drop in fees (after hours extra $$)

• Combination of specialty camps and/or vacation

• Hiring a nanny or mother’s helper

• Wing it and have limited to no childcare.

  • To be completely frank, unless you have an extremely light work schedule in the summer or have true “summer hours”, I do not suggest this as a 10-week solution even if your kids are old enough to be self sufficient (like mine).

I planned all 10 weeks but before I finished booking the latter half, if you recall, we ended up switching the girls into a new school for its immersion program. Since it is a year-round calendar, our summer is shortened to 6 weeks. For a working parent, the year-long calendar seems to be a saving grace, so our 6 week schedule is as follows:

• 2 weeks of language camp (full day for little sis; half day for big sis). The first week, big sis will be at home with me half day because I let mom guilt get the best of me and wanted to give her time to “do nothing” so I’ll report back on how that goes. The second week, she’ll go to golf camp with my dad a few of the mornings.

• 1 week of back-to-back half day sessions of camp (STEM/Art). Two different half days is not ideal (as a full day is always preferable) but at least they are in the same shopping center so I tell myself it will be an hour to bond with the girls while taking a lunch break I would no doubt skip otherwise.

• 2 weeks of family vacation with limited access to work email (Note: this is atypical for us as we typically do 1 week to a locale we can still partially work remote, but the way our mileage worked for this particular locale demanded it. Details on that to come.)

• 9 days of nothing. Really, these are 2 days here, 2 days there, and 3 days in the there (ie. before and after vacation), so I’m just winging it!

If still you want to see my 10-week calendar, drop me a comment.

Dreaded Mom Guilt

Summer is no different than any other time of the year when you have corporate hours (unless your industry is cyclical or your summers are light), and the urge to “do it all” doesn’t go away. I think summer actually heightens the disparity between having strict work hours versus flexible hours. A line also gets drawn in the sand between “my kid absolutely has to go to camp” versus “it’s optional” but I do think everyone struggles. Whether you have non-SAH work not, it’s hard for any parent to plan for 6-10 weeks of anything for the kids. When the options overwhelm us, we burn out. When the options are too limited, we feel mom guilt. Mom guilt is unavoidable but there are ways to hear it, validate it, lessen it, and move on so that you can be present in the times you can be present. What can you do?

Navigate your own emotional pitfalls - What gives you most stress about the summer? It helps me to identify triggers and then shift my typical day to intentionally prioritize something that gives me less stress than others. This can change day-to-day. I tend to over analyze whether my kids are “happy” enough, and I have to reset and realize I’m not responsible for their happiness. I can only model and guide them to figuring out their emotions and provide opportunities for them to find enjoyment. (She says unconvincingly to herself after reading a fourth article on “are my kids sad?” “why are my kids grumpy - it’s summer break” 🤪). Work in progress.

Lean on your community - Are you taking everything on alone? Where can your partner, community, or other methods of outsourced help share in that burden? Are there local teenagers in the community who you might be able to pay as a mother’s helper for a few hours in the morning (or afternoon?) Can you set up a working playdate? Check your local library for their summer activities.

What stops you from asking and/or accepting? I am a firm believer that if you don’t speak up, you wont’ get help. If you aren’t clear and concise in what you need, you won’t get help. If your partner hasn’t been able to “read your mind” yet, he/she/they won’t (ie. time to recalibrate how you’re asking). If you’re still struggling otherwise even with the communal support (emotionally, physically, or otherwise), getting professional help might also be something to look into. In any case, you’re not a bad parent for needing help. You’re human.

My videos show a lot of what I take on in the day. It’s the burden and blessing of having work flexibility and/or being a work from home parent (even if only part time). My husband commutes and works full time with requirement on how many hours he puts in a day. I don’t. That, in and of itself, defines how much he can support me during working hours (ie. very little). Will share more on how he supports me, but it has to be communicated. I joke that I don’t do the laundry in the house (because I don’t), but it doesn’t mean I’m not willing to pick up a load or two when I see my husband is already at 200% capacity of his work load/day. Likewise, these summer hours means I am with the children much more than when they’re in school (on top of the work I’m juggling), so while he isn’t in the house during my office hours, if he sees I’m already at 100% capacity with the kids after work, he will pick up the slack. On a day when we are both at 200% our capacity, well we just talk it through. What can we split up? Our biggest arguments occur when there is a lack of communication about extra slack we might need that day. (I’m not immune to holding it in to being a martyr and then blowing up/crying about it later, but I assure you, it resolves things much slower than if we had just talked about it at the head).

Remember to carve out time for you - You hate hearing it, but I can’t stress it enough. You’re a better parent when you choose something that is for you, and you alone, and when you do that one thing — you feel better. It could be getting dinner with your partner or friends, it could be getting your hair done, it could be a head massage, a sound bath, a meditation, an evening stroll, or a workout. It doesn’t matter what it is or the intensity of it but you fit it in because you know you will feel better after. What about the mom guilt of using that time for yourself? When you feel better having put time into yourself, you can channel your happy energy to your family. That’s why it’s worth it.

How do you fit it in during summer hours? Be brutal with your work calendar. I already make it a habit to block off 60 minutes on my work schedule every day. It’s 60 minutes that any other person would be using for their lunch break, and as you know, I skip lunch most days in order to fit this in. I don’t use all 60 minutes and I don’t make it to every day, but it’s blocked off in my calendar so that if I intentionally choose NOT to use it, that’s on me. Now you have no excuse to do whatever you need to do in that 60 minute block.

What about the kids? Include them, outsource the care, set them up with an activity, or plan your permitted screen time during that slot. If you have lot of meetings that day, be realistic, you either have to increase your permitted screen time or skip that day.

Give yourself grace - Resist the urge to compare. What someone else is doing with their kids this summer has nothing to do with how you’ve chosen to prioritize and commit intentionally to the balance you’re focusing on. How you’ve chosen to prioritize is what’s right for your family, and it’s enough. There are plenty of ways to provide your kids with a fun, relaxing, summer — and it won’t look like anybody else’s.

Mostly importantly, know that you’re not alone.

Summer Suggestions:

• Be realistic and honest with yourself- It can’t be sugar coated, but you need to be realistic and honest with yourself about how much you will be able to work with the kids home. What are their ages? What level of independence to they (each) have? Do you have bandwidth at the beginning of the week to carve out prepared activities for them? Do you have bandwidth each day to follow through with activities you’ve set up. Do you have a realistic idea of what you allow as screen time? How guilty will you feel if you have to essentially ignore them for 75 minutes working on projects even presuming they’re, content, safe and fairly self sufficient? My older one can work alongside me (reading, coloring, crafting, sticker books, etc) for about 90 minutes before she starts getting antsy. My younger one has about a 35 minute tolerance before we need to do a ‘togetherness’ reset activity. Can you fit that level of disruption your work day? What is the maximum level of disruption your job (or your manager) would allow? Can you reprioritize on the fly or do you struggle with finishing tasks? If you’ve answered mostly that you won’t be able to manage your kids and your work, then realistically, you need to outsource. Mentally, it will save you.

• Find flexibility where you can - Make minor changes in your work schedule — they can make a big impact. Make a change to your work location (if possible).

  • As you know, I have a hybrid schedule and my hours are flexible. Having flexibility certainly alleviates some of mom guilt, but I know it’s not realistic in all industries. Where are areas you can carve out time in your schedule to shift? Can you shift all your meetings earlier? Schedule your meetings early in the day (this benefits everyone, no?). Can you group meetings to one day? Can you block off time without an issue? Can you start half an hour earlier to end half an hour earlier?

  • If possible (with hotspot), work at the park, library, friend’s house or play place. It can help alleviate some of that mom guilt that your kids get a chance of scenery. Always plan at least 15-20 minutes of that work period to be engaging with your kids. For older kids, setting the time up front and letting them run free afterwards works. For younger kids, it could be more sporadic - you’ll need to be realistic about their ‘independent play’ abilities. If you’re going with another group of kids, you may get more independent working time.

• Work Triage - Don’t spent hours going through your emails in the morning and then having to ‘catch up’ on work the rest of the day. Reply to the top 5 most urgent emails; then spend no more than 15 minutes (during summer, 45 minute regular season) sifting through and triaging the rest). Realistically looks like 15 minutes before I go wake the kids up (it’s summer so they’re sleeping in, of course). You can always triage the rest after drop off at camp or even during a lunch break. Limit your email triage to 45 minutes, in general, so you can start being productive on everything else.

  • Set focus timers. If you get distracted easily, set a timer for your distractions.

  • If you don’t mind being on the road (picks up and drop offs) to take calls and join meetings, then you have an extra 30 minutes to 60 minute of your day to block off for the kids. So why not. If you can’t be on the road, block off that drop off time so you aren’t caught off guard.

  • Be brutal with your work calendar. Block off time earlier than later. This includes drop off times, pick up times, non-camp day times where you want to spend 20 minutes with the kids, your self care time. Block it all off.

• Scrap the Summer Bucket List - Honestly, scrap it completely or make it accessible to you and your schedule. Again, be realistic and honest. This could be the elder millennial speaking but it feels way better to check off more mundane easy things than to leave a lot of “maybes” on the list. I drafted a bucket list and making the ‘creation’ of said list an activity for the older one when she’s off next week. I limit our bucket list to things I already know we will do this summer to prevent issues. Here’s some of my examples:

  • Draw on the sidewalk with chalk & stencils (also a great - “go outside, I have a conference call” activity)

  • Make S’mores (preferably indoor with a broiler in the oven and this “embarrassingly sheet pan version” is the kind I would get down for.)

  • Movie Night sleepover (it’s the novelty of sleeping over in the living room)

  • Backyard camping (you didn’t say it had to be overnight)

  • Blow bubbles (and get yourself a bubble machine)

  • Backyard pool, splash pad, water table

  • Try a new food

• Self sufficient activities:

  • Arts/Crafts (involves some, but limited, set up): I saved these ideas on Pinterest

  • Reading: I have these bookmarks for them to rate books as well as a summer reading list from our local library to give them goals. (Book lists to come).

  • Hang out in the backyard:

    • Chalk art (see above)

    • Hammock

    • Play houses (like this or this)

    • Air fort

    • Water Table/Pool (see above)

    • Photo scavenger hunt (kid friendly camera)

• Screen time: Planning a deeper dive into our family screen time rules, but for now, here’s ones that don’t give me any additional heartache during busy conference / summer work days:

  • OSMO for iPad or Fire (our favorite games: Coding, Pizza, Detective Agency, and Tangrams)

  • Vooks

  • Khan Academy

  • Museum Apps

• End of the day recap: At the end of a hectic day, reconnect with your children. Whether they went to camp or not: ask pointed questions about their day. What made you laugh? What’s one thing you learned? Did anyone get in trouble? Did anyone cry? Did anyone do anything silly? What was your favorite part of the day? I think you’ll find that they did not harbor any feelings about you being at work/being on your computer/phone/zoom for 6-8 hours of the day.

At the end of the day, go back to the mantra that the kids will be alright. They really do only remember the positive moments and the twenty minutes of time you were able to fully divide to them. It is enough.

Where do you feel are the hardest pitfalls of balancing work and summer? Where have you excelled? Leave it in the comments and I’ll crowdsource as a follow-up.

Do we need a part two? Summer Break officially starts next week so perhaps I’ll change my tune in a week. I’ll follow up after our break starts but be warned it might just be a bunch of cry faces.

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